On mischief
Haugindaugs
To be read like a poem or witty limerick. The play is non-linear. It will be dissected and rearranged as it continues its development. I wrote this with the intention of minimal setting or words. The characters are not verbose but they both speak in a rhythm or frequency.
Life is joyful. Full of butterflies. The butterflies don’t speak for themselves. They speak in little flutters. Winds splash onto Hog’s face. Her little butterflies on her eyes flutter. They are as long as an elephant’s trunk. They trot down her face when she giggles. She giggles alright. She’s on the desk. She sits and contemplates. She giggles at her contemplations. Her butterflies speak. They speak in mystics. The Dog is on the floor. Knitting. He sees her butterflies. They flutter alright.
Hog : I saw you as a bus.
Dog : A bus not too far?
Hog : A bus for us as it was.
Dog : But what if it’s a car?
Hog : Don’t make a fuss.
Dog : I’m a load of lard.
Hog : Don’t make it worse.
Dog : I end up in a tar.
Hog : Don’t make me curse.
Dog : Okay I am a star.
Hog : Hey bus.
Dog : What bus.
Hog : What was-
Dog : What does-
Hog : Tunnel mean?
Dog : I see a bridge. A bridge closer and better. A bridge not too far but near. Clear. Appear. A wish for a tree that Mrs Jumbo saw.
Hog : But I let my ears out and I fly. Fly, fly, fly. But oh bus, can an elephant truly fly? Hop on little mouse and I’ll be the airline.
Dog : Airline is too fine.
Hog : We never wined and dined.
Dog : Airline is for a swine.
Hog : You crept up from behind.
Dog : Airline only reminds-
Hog : Of you and all this time.
Dog : Mercy, sire.
Hog : I inquire.
Dog : Little wire.
Hog : Am tired.
Dog : Why, desire?
Hog : Am sire.
Dog : For Acquire
Silence.
Hog : (Disenchanted) I feel for some Popeye’s
Dog : But have you ever had Four Guy’s?
Hog : We don’t have to rhyme (with a sigh)
Dog : But witty is my charm (yelps one last try)
Hog : It’s a bit funny. Don’t you think?
Dog : I’m not sure how to let that sink.
Hog : Stop it.
Dog : It’s only a bit.
Hog : It’s a dog that won’t sit.
Dog : Hey hog, it’s just my wit.
Hog : Life isn’t all about you.
Dog : … (Doesn’t know how to ensue)
Hog : It’s cold. Did you finish knitting?
Dog : … (Doesn’t know she’s kidding)
Hog : How are my butterflies?
Dog : They look so wise. The size. The cries. I just can’t stop thinking about your elephantes.
The butterflies flutter. They land on Dog’s head. Flies between the ears. Looks alright.
Hog : My elephantes? My ears?
Dog : Trader Joe's. One Fish Road.
Hog : A trader knows no foes. I wager a toad.
Dog : Minister Mouse.
Hog : Reverend Rodent?
Dog : Miracle Mammoth.
Hog : Rowdy Rat. Oh hello there Reverend. Don’t forget about the star.
Dog : I sure won’t my dear elephante. Say, are you the miracle mammoth that people speak of?
Hog : (Flutters her ears) I sure am, Reverend.
Hog : My love.
Dog : My haug.
Hog : May I watch?
Dog : Watch what?
Hog : Watch everything. Every moment of you. May I sniff?
Dog : Only for truffles.
Hog : I want a nice stool in front of your toilet. May I watch?
Dog : Only for truffles.
Hog : I don’t like London.
Dog : London doesn’t like you.
Hog : I don’t like it here. Especially how cold everything is : the food, the weather and the trotters. My trotters feel cold. The floor is cold.
Dog : I thought you did. The food. The weather. The people. Friendly are they not?
Hog : The food talks back. The weather tastes gross. And the people are wet.
Dog : My food, silent. The weather, bland. The people, dry. No better here.
Hog : My snout, all muffled. Can’t find any truffles.
Dog : Remember, when we talked about making a temple.
Hog : I indeed do.
Dog : Say, hog. Why don’t we build a road? Just one way. A highway.
Hog : For fish. Fish only.
Dog : For fish. School only. Academic fish.
Hog : Heh heh. I like fish. But I must find a truffle.
Dog : How is your snout?
Hog : Muffled no truffled.
Dog : Can you honk? Blow horn.
Hog : honkkk. (hiccup) HONKKKKK!
Dog : (watches in awe) Honk for this fish road.
Hog : Isn’t a river a road for fish? But what about a bridge? Why do we trample over fish?
Dog : We go over the fish, my hog.
Hog : I saw you go across it.
Dog : We go around the fish, my hog.
Hog : Maybe the fish swim around you.
Dog : We jump over the fish, my hog.
Hog : Maybe the river never touched you.
Dog : My toes have kissed the fish. I fished out my legs and I saw a fish suckle my toes.
Hog : That is a cheat.
Dog : That is jealousy.
Hog : I don’t like London.
Dog : I’ve never been.
Hog : You won’t like it either.
Dog : I’ve never had to dislike it.
Hog : Thames.
Dog : That’s a river.
Hog : It has a bridge. I never went over it.
Dog : How do you know you don’t like London?
Hog : I just know it.
Dog : But you never went over the Thames.
Hog : I don’t like this side of the Thames.
Dog : What about the other side?
Hog : It doesn’t matter. I don’t like this side.
Dog : Go over the river, my hog.
Hog : I don’t want to. I’d rather go under. I’d rather drown.
Dog : …
Hog : …
Dog : Go over. Go under. We all need to cross the river someday.
Hog : What about the fish? What if I trample over them?
Dog : Maybe the fish swim around you.
Hog : I know I will. I know it.
Dog : You’ve never touched the river.
Hog : You are witty aren’t you.
Dog : It isn’t my wit. We always have a river to cross.
Hog : Will you be a bridge?
Dog : I need to think. I am just a dog after all.
Hog : Stretch your legs. Warm up your belly.
Dog : You will trample over me?
Hog : I will go around you. I will jump over you.
Silence.
Hog : Thank you for existing.
Hog quietly knits alone. The butterflies have flown away. But one day, with extraordinary strength, she will find them again.
Dog: Christopher?
Hog: Who’s christopher? Should I be worried?
Dog: Christopher Robin, where are you going?
Hog: I’m told that tomorrow I’ll be going again…
Dog: Shall I find you?
Hog: No, I’m going to school. I’ll be back, as long as you’re here. Promise me you’ll be here. Always. Even when I’m a hundred?
Dog: How old shall I be then?
Hog: Ninety-nine.
Dog: I promise.
Hog: Forever and ever?
Dog: Yes, Christopher Robin… Forever and ever.
Hog: but what about too three ever? What about after forever, what comes after forever?
Dog: What’s your answer?
Hog: I’ll answer with a question
Dog: Cause you’re asking me questions jesus can’t reply.
Hog: And it’s:
Dog: And I’m not jesus.
Hog: Can I suck your tow
Hog and Dog speak at the same time
Dog: Tow truck
Hog: Toe
Dog: heh
Hog: But fivever comes after forever. And then it’s sixever. Hey, Can I do all three? Hey, double it and make it six, and then I’ll take two.
Dog: I accept.
Hog: :()
Dog: :(@)
Hog: Punch buggy.
Dog: What?
Hog: Punch buggy no punch back!
Hog punches Dog on the nose, leaving a dose of toes
Dog: What was that for?
Hog: For ever.
Dog: Hey swine.
Hog: Hi canine.
Dog: Do you believe in the divine?
Hog: I wish I was a dog
Dog: You’d be a good husky.
Husky: Bus
Dog: Bus
Husk: I spy
Dog: With your little eyes
Busk: Something that exists…
Dog: A black backpack?
Bus: No, a plack packback.
Dog: Oh my Hog.
Hog shapeshifts from a bus back to a Hog
Hog: God backwards is Dog.
Dog: Do you mean God backwards is Dog?
Hog: No, I meant God squidwards is Dog.
Dog: Goh backwards is Hog, that’s what I believe in.
Hog: what do you believe in?
Dog: I believe in Goh.
Hog: I believe in Dog.
Dog: I’m hungry.
Hog: I’m fungry.
Dog: Alright
Hog: Do you want another Big Mac?
Dog: Hey, I’ll take two. Or maybe two shack stacks.
Hog: Did you know that life is just like a stack
Dog: Stack of what?
Hog: Pancakes.
Dog: Do you bake?
Hog: There are no mistakes.
Dog: But what road do you take when you’re at a crossroads?
Hog: Well, a poet would take the one less traveled by. But me, an intellect, I would close my eyes and ask my friend which curry I should get because either one would be good or fine. Then my friend will say beef curry. Then I would get a bit eeeeeehhhhhhhh. Then I know that I wanted the katsu curry all along. Because it’s a hog eat hog world, you eat or get eaten, hog.
Dog: I don’t think I follow… Maybe because I’m just a dog, not a hog…
Hog: Okay, how can I simplify this in dog terms…
Dog: Well, just what road do you take?
Hog: One road.
Dog: No crossroads?
Hog: Just one road, one fish road.
Dog: Now more than ever.
Hog: But I’m afraid.
Dog: Me too, because it’s real.
Hog: A dog that rhymes with hog. Shouldn’t that see the light of day, and maybe the sunshine sometimes. The fear is still there.
Dog: Me too, I’m really scared because it’s real.
Hog: just like, fish road.
Dog: just like, purple.
Hog: A long door.
Dog: Just like, long hog.
Hog: It's a long pig.
Dog: I know, but you’re a hog, so.
Hog: A long hog, now that’s a log.
Dog: Savor this moment, sniff it too.
Hog: I can’t sniff any!
Dog: Sniffany.
Hog: Oli
Dog: Phant
Hog: How long of hog?
Dog: As long as the–
Hog: Nile
Dog: Nile
Hog: Holiness carbonated.
Dog: Divinities fizzed.
Hog: Do you believe in the divine?
Dog: I don’t know if we’ll go to Heaven.
Hog: Well it’s either heaven or hell.
Dog: Or seven or shells.
Hog: Sea shells.
Dog: You think I’m funny?
Hog: It’s just the seashells.
Dog: Shells yeah?
Hog: I think you’re punny.
Dog: My nose is a little runny from the buggy.
Hog: Hey tell that to hummy.
Dog: Maybe I’ll eat a gummy.
Hog: That;s sounds kind of yummy.
Dog: I wish I didn’t have this tummy.
Hog: Hey that’s my world.
Dog: Is that your Heaven?
Hog: That’s my lesson.
Dog: Hey knuckles, you know what heaven really is?
Hog: Yeah chuckles, what is it?
Dog: It’s a farm , full of growing corns.
Hog: Really, I’ve always wanted one, that sounds interesting and stellar at the same time. One could even say it sounds interstellar.
Dog: It’s a small house. One fridge. One bed.
Hog: Didn’t you want two beds? I always wanted my very own tractor.
Dog: Two beds, one is a dog bed. One bathroom.
Hog: And a dog maybe.
Dog: The fridge is filled with one pink coconut water.
Hog: The one from Trader Joe’s.
Dog: Maybe a dog, but it’s just one dog. The one dog, and one hog, just the one.
Hog: Hey, I love Trader Joe’s pink coconut water. I used to drink too or sometimes even tree bottles a day. But I don’t know since when… I don’t know since when. But now, when I open one, I think to myself: I should save it for later, I can enjoy it later. I don’t want to hog it all right now. And then later comes, but that later turns into even later than that.
Dog: Can I have some of your laters
Hog: And I forget about its existence until I open my backpack–
Dog: Packback
Hog: –and sees a half empty half full bottle of pink coconut water. I don’t see the glass as half empty or half full, its both but neither, but at the same time it’s also not a glass, it’s a small plastic bottle as it comes from Trader Joe’s. But the point is–
Dog: So there is a point, you admit it’s not so pointless after all.
Hog: I admit you into MIT.
Dog: Mitt
Hog: Romney. Anyways– the point is that coconut water is perishable, when I found it again a sense of regret fills my stomach instead of the bottle of pink coconut water. I think it’s been a whole year since I’ve finished a full bottle of pink coconut water. Not because it’s not good but because it’s too good.
Dog: Is it because once you finish it, turns out, it’s just like any other coconut water?
Hog: Trust me that it’s not any other coconut water. I’ve tried other coconut water that’s also pink in color, but those turn out to be just like any other coconut water, but just pink in color. This one is pink in color and special in taste. I could tell from the first few yips. It’s because I’m afraid there won’t be anymore, that it’s just gone after I finish it, so I try to save it for later. But in the end, I never had any after all because I saved it for too long, and it’s gone bad, even thought it’s still pink in color. And pink in color it remains. But I just realized that there’s no Trader Joe’s where I am going, so please, can you enjoy a bottle of nice pink coconut water from Trader Joe’s for me once in a while? Because you see, the other coconut waters from Trader Joe’s that are in a slightly different and bigger packing even taste different than this one. I’ve never had such happy coconut water before, I’ve also never had such sad coconut water before.
Dog: I’ve never had such a right coconut water before. My lifetime was pretty faithless, led by realities, not creamy dreams, but one thing stands in a way. Because it’s so bright, and so bright, and so bright, I know that if the one is not the one, a bottomless bottom will be undone.
Hog: If not this coconut water, then what coconut water?
Dog: I don’t know either
Hog: The thing is, I’ve always not liked coconut water. It never tasted like coconuts, it always tasted like the box it came in, it was box water essentially. But one day I decided, hey, maybe just maybe, maybe I’ll try the pink coconut water from Trader Joe’s. And it was the best thing I’ve ever tasted. It wasn’t even just the best coconut water I’ve tasted, it was the best everything I’ve tasted. And to this day I still can’t have any other coconut water. Because I never liked coconut water in the first place. So it wasn’t really about drinking coconut water. It was about drinking that one specific coconut water. The pink coconut water from Trader Joe’s.
Dog: My fingers are heavy today. Did you know–
Hog: Did you know that–
Dog: Did you know that if you eat half a bar of chocolate everyday, you can have it forever.
Hog: I thought dogs aren’t allowed to eat chocolate.
A deep male voice sings “No dogs allowed” to the Charlie Brown no dogs allowed music
Dog: Dogs are allowed, just at a great cost.
Hog: What cost?
Dog: Cost of Heaven.
Hog: Cost of seven. Dollars
Dog: Pounds.
Hog: Rupees.
Dog: Cost of forgetting.
Hog: Cost of Latin.
Dog: That’s a dead language.
Hog: That’s a dead dog, who ate chocolate.
Dog: I love you.
Hog: I love you.
Dog: I love two.
Hog: I love two.
Dog: I love us.
Hog: I love us.
Dog: I love bus.
Hog: I love bus.
The End -